The Chelsea Standard
A Heritage Newspaper
Weekly Publication
Writing your own obituary isn't easy
By Alison Marable, Special Writer
PUBLISHED: May 29, 2008
As a college student, one of our assignments was to write our own obituary. As simple as that sounds, it's a difficult task.
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First, I had to accept that one day, I will die. Second, it forced me to examine the lump sum of my life and decide if I liked what was on the paper.
As the author of my own obit, I had to determine what was vital to include and what to specifically exclude in a public document that not only announces to neighbors, classmates and distant relatives that we have passed on, but is meant to honor the life one lived.
After battling cancer, I developed the habit of reading obituaries. I became curious about how each of these people died, their age at death, what survivors are missing their company, and what made each of them unique.
Some obituaries are brief and others are works of art that are lovingly written to try and convey to the reader the soul of the departed. A few are written so vividly and with so much detail or humor that I wish I had known the person. The well-written obits reveal the intensity of the relationship that is now severed.
My father, Theodore Betts, died in 2005. I found my father's obituary to be disappointing. His obit, not written by me, included only his formal education and a list of survivors. His children were listed without their spouses and without last names. Grandchildren were just a list of first names and not connected with their parents.
Without our spouses or last names, the obit will prove useless to future generations researching ancestors or local history. It also made it difficult for community members to identify any connection between the deceased and the survivors.
What is the message in such an obit? Anyone reading the obituary would have no way to recognize that it was my father and my children's grandfather. There were so many details left out of it that it felt quickly written, generic and didn't properly convey his essence. I can easily recall all of things that I would have included.
My son, whose middle name is my father's name (at the request of hismother), didn't have his full name listed. My grandmother died the month before my son was born, but I take comfort in the fact that I honored her request.
My father, devoted to his parents, visited them every weekend from as far back as I can remember until their deaths. I joined my dad on the visits and it was often just the two of us making the long trek to Chelsea when I was a child and later as an adult when I moved to Chelsea.
Each visit with my dad and grandmother included a drive in the woods, down unknown dirt roads, or through old neighborhoods as I listened to the two of them recall the past or marvel at the beauty of nature.
The obituary also left out the trips dad and I took to a remote cabin in Canada where we stayed with relatives. After we picked blueberries from a hillside Aunt Irene would bake them into a pie in a cabin that lacked electricity and plumbing.
My father and I played ping pong to the Beatles and rode our bikes dangerously fast down parking structures. He taught me to play cribbage, a game that my son and I play constantly. Then there were the letters he used to send me in college, signed by actors' names about whom we shared inside jokes.
The fact that he was one of the few men to be diagnosed with breast cancer and then to survive the disease is not mentioned in his obituary. It's significant that he lived through the disease, a disease that we would one day have in common.
One of the reasons that I enjoy this column and the articles that I write about individuals who are diagnosed with a variety of diseases is that I want to write about things that have meaning. It's important to me that I highlight the struggles and accomplishments of individuals, connect people to each other, and show that they matter.
I encourage each of you to consider reading or writing obituaries as a celebration, not as a morbid activity or quick business. My father's obituary was a missed opportunity to tell his story.
My children will someday have the opportunity to write mine and it ignites my curiosity to wonder what will be written. Hopefully I will have given them an arsenal full of memories and interactions from which to choose, like my father did for me.
The six-month check-up": Recently I attended the six-month checkup appointment with my cancer surgeon. It was not a full six months as I was having some complications, but the appointment was a quickie and I was given the green light to enjoy life until my next six-month checkup. Just like the day I walked out of there with no more treatments lined up, nothing happened. No parade, no rainbow, no group of friends waiting at home for us. It's difficult to walk out of any cancer center glowing when there are so many going in.
Coming June 12
"False health advice spread through e-mail": An acquaintance of mine recently forwarded an e-mail regarding the causes of cancer and urgent changes that people should make immediately to avoid getting cancer. That's something we'd all like to know, right? The sender is a kind, efficient person, so I know that her intentions were good. Unfortunately, this e-mail was one of the chain e-mails that spreads false information to dozens of recipients with each tap of the "send" button. These so-called health alerts only spread hysteria and confusion, especially to individuals who are already sensitive about the topic.
Coming June 26
Positive connections of quilting and cancer": After discovering the love of quilting during my cancer treatment, I have been continually surprised by the positive connections between quilting and cancer. In my search for quilting-related activities, I stumbled upon and joined a message board in which women and men discuss quilting. In addition to learning many tips and meeting interesting people from all over the world, I noticed how many times "cancer" was a topic.
Coming July 10
View Video
View video of Alison Marable's pinning ceremony at Eastern Michigan University. The special ceremony was held in late August just for her because she missed the official ceremony so she could have her breast cancer surgery.
Heritage Newspapers encourages readers to share videos and photographs online. Do you have a video that you want to share or photographs from the Relay for Life or other fundraiser for the American Cancer Society? Is so, please upload them at micentral.mycapture.com or click on the photo sharing button on the newspaper's home page at www.heritage.com.
Your Thoughts
Have you been affected by cancer? Share your thoughts by adding your comments to Editor Michelle Rogers' blog entry of Nov. 13, 2007, at heritageweststaffblog.blogspot.com, which can be accessed from the newspaper's Web site in the left-hand corner.
Check the blog, "Inside the Newsroom," regularly to read what your friends and neighbors are sharing. We want to hear about your personal experiences dealing with cancer, the hardships you've endured and overcome, and advice that you have for individuals battling cancer or supporting a loved one who is going through treatment.
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